I HATE when that happens.

I have problems with pattern recognition. It could be related to my Borderline Personality Disorder, or it could just be naivete, but for whatever reason, I let things happen over and over again without realizing (until it’s too late) that this has happened before and it sucked. This happens with my job, with my family life, with my friends, and frankly it’s starting to get pretty annoying. I’ll give you an example:

I interview for a job that I know I’m perfect for. I allow the interviewer to glamour me with all the great promises for the future. I take these promises to heart. Every single promise is broken within six months, and I get depressed about my job. I start slipping, making stupid mistakes, because if they don’t care about me, then why should I care about them? Things get worse and worse until finally, in a fit of paranoia and emotion, I quit before they can fire me.

Rinse and repeat.

Here’s another example: my family is spending time with my parents. We’re having a great time. My mom suggests in a truly pitiable tone that she and I spend some time together, “just the two of us,” since we “never do that anymore.” Without hesitation, I swallow the hook and go along with it. Three hours later, we’re both in tears, straight up refusing to communicate with each other anymore. I remember – after the fight – why we “never do that anymore.”

Clearly, something needs to be done about this. But what? I don’t have a clue. To quote XKCD, “My usual methods are useless here,” since Google searches reveal only links to memory retention games. It’s not exactly the same thing. I need to be able to easily recall experiential memories. I don’t have any trouble remembering a grocery list.

I do, however, have serious trouble thinking about those nasty bumps on my journey. Maybe it’s because I’m afraid I’ll remember incorrectly and make an ill-conceived judgment. Maybe I’m just afraid of the memory itself. After all, when I do spend time strolling through the darker parts of my history, I end up wallowing in a really disgusting self-pitying cave for a few days. It’s depressing and kind of ridiculous, but it happens without my realizing it (there’s that damnable lack of pattern recognition again).

The first thing that comes to mind is, of course, journaling. How simple! All I do is write down my experiences, then periodically flip back through my journal so I can keep them fresh in my mind. Ah, but there is a problem, and it’s a mighty one. I absolutely hate journaling. This is evidenced by the long time that has past since my last post here, and will be further evidenced by the very strong likelihood that I will lose interest in this blog altogether at some point in the next couple of months. A preemptive sorry for all my devoted readers (psh).

But something, something must be done. I need to face down these bad experiences I’ve had and somehow forgive the culprits. Forgiveness will be the key, I’m sure of it. If I can truly, with body and soul, forgive the people I feel have wronged me, and then actually let it go, I’m sure everything will be better in general. Maybe by resolving these issues, I’ll be less afraid of them, less depressed whenever I have to think about them. But I do have to think about them, and I have to think about them in a more positive context.

If you have any ideas, I’m all ears.

For a Total Change of Heart: Don’t turn away from what you know your flaws to be. You know you have them. You don’t have to post them up for all the world to see, as I have done here, but you need to at least face them, then try and decide what to do about them. Because if you aren’t constantly trying to better yourself, then WTH are you doing here anyway?

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